You’re Better Than That

So I asked out this girl of whom I’m somewhat fond out the other night.

Good story made short for public consumption I saw her a few minutes later and she said yes then it all just kinda fell off.

I am…SHOCKED (no no, stay with me) at my reaction to this.

shrug Okay.

I don’t have 20s or 30s Mikey “oneitis” or any such horseshit like that.

I’m not in “yeah I’m better off alone” mode.

There’s no self-pity or other such crap. It’s just a thing that happened (or, well…didn’t.)

Part of me wishes it had gone another way. Part of me doesn’t. But I’m just not that in to wishing reality was different to assuage my own ego at the expense of the good sense the universe tends to have when acting on my behalf.

If you’d asked me how I’d react a week ago to an event like that, the full honest response (which…you quite likely wouldn’t have gotten because it would have been just too embarrassing to face) would have been a bunch of depressed whining.

But it just doesn’t matter all that much. I didn’t have so much energy front-loaded on the potential as I expected I did and THAT is absolutely shocking to me.

It got me to wonder a bit: How much about the internal mechanations of my personal psychology to I take for granted as working the way they used to only because they haven’t been recently tested?

How much of that goofy ass fear and anxiety has been digested as I’ve evolved over the past decade or two?

How poorly DO I know myself after all?

I’m actually a little pissed off about THAT aspect of it really. Because I’ve acted (or not acted in this case) in anticipation of those well-worn tracks in my head and just straight up not wanting to deal with them.

Tough to know where to take this. Because I don’t know how I could have caught myself to see if that particular aspect of my personality had evolved past my expectation as a side effect of me pushing forward the way I have.

I don’t really have any basis for answering that question at all. Let’s see if I can work it out…

How do you force yourself to reexamine and aspects of your identity that you absolutely take for granted?

An endless survey of the guts of your head just seems like a life of circle-jerking navel-gazing crap (he says on a blog full of such relentless self-absorption.) And there’s really no reason to have any expectation that you’d trip over the right things as being worthy of notice and consideration at all. I mean, can YOU literally iterate all of those different little (and not so little) sub-personalities and circuits? I sure as hell can’t.

I suppose, and this is by definition so far beyond my expertise that it’s just spitballing by definition, it’s really a matter of not acting in accordance with your notions of yourself. But what the fuck does that even MEAN?

To even have the thought “ugh. I just don’t want to deal with my own anxiety about all of that” presupposes that such thoughts are a part of my motivation, which is really the upstream problem entirely.

Who cares “who you are?” When you know what it is you want to do, dealing with your own mental and emotional fallout should just be a downstream effect of those actions, not something to be feared in its own right. It shouldn’t be something that can stop you from acting. Now, that is absolutely NOT to suggest there’s more virtue in taking your hands off the wheel and flying by the seat of your pants. That brings you back to the beginning, where you don’t examine your motivations at all. No. Bad. Already covered. That way be dragons.

It’s the neurotic’s lot to be afraid of themselves and to project that fear onto the outside world. That’s why anxiety isn’t really a reaction to external events, but a predilection of the spirit, for lack of a better phrase.

There’s really nowhere to go with it. This is one of those things that’s up there with the cosmic “I wish I’d said THAT” moments. The best you can do is try to train yourself to be in the moment and catch yourself when you’re about to do or not do something, and over time hopefully get better enough at it that you can finally do it IN the moment instead of soon after the moment.

Perhaps there’s some kind of intentional journaling practice that will help me focus my mind to the task.

I’m quite impatient for understanding on the topic, especially since it blindsided me quite so badly. But in this case, as in so many others, there’s no understanding that’s going to come from anything but practice and just…failure upon failure. But that’s okay. I can handle that.

Apparently far better than I thought.