Oof.

I’ve had it in my head a while to read my posts from the last year-ish to look for patterns, progress, and some direction if it’s there to be found. Well, I printed it all out a couple months ago, then yesterday printed out everything I’d posted in the meantime.

To my shock it comes in at about 800 pages.

Yesterday I came down here to Smokey and started reading. Took out a little notebook and just started chugging along, writing the post title then taking the odd note or two, leaving a couple blank lines between post notes so I could go back.

I started July 2020 and got through most of December.

What a depressing bunch of fucking crap.

Holy shit.

Now, the problem with that is that in order to actually see progress I’ve got to slog through the rest. So maybe the right thing to do is come at it from both ends, do December 2020 then September 2021, then January and August, something like that.

That won’t really help much in my quest for an intuitive understanding, since that requires contextual continuity. But it’ll hopefully keep me from hating myself for having thought such drek was worth hitting ‘publish’ on.

BUT I’ve decided to just stop writing here for a bit, at least until I figure out what I’m doing and where I’m going with all this. Too much of this is play-acting at writing and I need to shit or get off the pot.

‘Til whenever.

o/

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