So… Cigargoyle’s been reading my stuff on his nightcaps AND I’ve been posting more regularly, so the number of hits on this sight has gone up..well, technically infinitely from none to not none.
Having had a particularly productive day I got myself a head of steam and thought to myself “Self? What ELSE can you get done today?”
Well…I use statcounter.com to track web site hits. It puts a little one pixel invisible image on the page so that, when you hit the site it goes to statcounter to load that image, and statcounter registers the visit. No biggie. I can’t see anything personal or detailed.
The problem is that in this day and age, web browsers and consumer routers have ad blocking plugins that look for things like statcounter (which is admittedly pretty innocuous) and filters them out. So if you have that kind of tech engaged, it stops your browser from grabbing that little image. Thus, the visit doesn’t register.
I know this is causing most page views to go unregistered because I’m getting FAR more direct response and interaction with people from my posts than I’m getting hits. So I have an engagement rate of approximately 430%.
Stay on the line and I’ll sell you my SEO techniques.
So I realized that to really see the actual logs, I’d need to upgrade from this goofy little “managed wordpress” site to something that actually let me see the native web server logs.
I call up GoDaddy and go through the Shibboleth tree.
After some serious confusion about which of two nominally separate accounts I was talking about (more on that never) I talked with a “tech” who wasn’t a tech.
“Aannd who am I speaking with?”
“Ooh from Nassshhviillle.”
“Actually no. From Brooklyn, living outside of Nashville.” Fuck your IP logs.
“Okay Mr. Wilson, how can I help?”
“Hey man, got a problem I expect is going to result in an upsell conversation.”
I went through and explained to him that statcounter doesn’t really work well anymore because of all the DNS filtering and COULD I, with my CURRENT level of service, get to the native web server logs. (Note: I know I can’t. But there’s a chance, so I figured I’d serve it up.)
“Well what you CAN do is use a WordPress plug in that will help you see traffic patterns.”
“That’s not gonna work for me Brooke.”
*insert half a dozen rounds before he gets it*
“Okay so in that case I’d recommend going up to our superdeluxe wordpress hosting level, that gives you cpanel access AND an ssl certificate for free!”
“I don’t give a shit about that.”
“I know you THINK you don’t. But they really can man in the middle your wordpress site.”
“Yeah I really don’t give a shit about that.”
“Well, your login. They could…”
“Yeah I really don’t give a shit. If they want to read my 20 year old bar stories and shit they can. I’m not going through the bother.”
“Ohh…” he paused “I was just scanning over your site. You’re a friend of Bill!”
I just laughed in the poor guy’s ear.
“Me? No. I’m no fucking quitter!”
For those of you who don’t know. Alcoholics Anonymous was formed by “Bill Wilson” (ironically my father’s name as well.) And AA members sort of use “Friend of Bill” or “Friend of Bill W” as a code to identify each other.
I’d put together the first part, but…not the obvious implication. Not for a couple seconds anyway.
The fact that the guy scanned my blog, this blog, and with a couple additional words decided it was a perfectly safe bet that I was a “Recovering Alcoholic” is just one of the most unintentionally hilarious fucking moments of the last few months. He was SO sure that he outed himself, which is just fucking gravy. Delicious delicious gravy.
Once my brain backtracked over the poor kid’s unspoken train of thought it was too late. I was just chuckling to myself like a fucking maniac.
Getting back on track I reconfirmed with double platinum diamond level of service would give me cpanel access and checked the prices, which end up working out in my favor.
“Plus, you get that free SSL certificate.”
“Yeah I don’t care about that.”